Michael McDowell, Pat Rabbitte and Situational Homosexuality

Let me begin by apologising if the headline of this piece has conjured up any disturbing images in your mind’s eye. This little article makes no allegations about Pat Rabbitte and Michael McDowell engaging in homosexual relations. (Not that there’d be anything wrong with that, my heterosexual guilt prompts me to add.) So why the title? Well hopefully, all will become clear in due course.

A Situational Homosexual is a term used to describe somebody who enjoys homosexual activities, but who is not gay, or even bisexual. Confused? Well, that’s because the notion that there’s a difference between enjoying homosexual/bisexual sex and being a homosexual is ridiculous. However, in a recent survey, a large number of people who described themselves as heterosexual reported that they’d engaged in homosexual relations during the previous month, which is a bit like claiming to be an occasional smoker while reeking of smoke from the forty major you get through everyday.

At least in the case of male situational homosexuals, the label seems to be adopted because certain aspects of the gay stereotype do not appeal to them. Prisoners, athletes and soldiers are notorious for engaging in situational homosexuality, but these same individuals are not exactly famed for their broadmindedness. In their minds’, gay is a label reserved for the flowery, sissy, dress-wearing types who work in salons and theatres.

Pat Rabbitte and Michael McDowell have rather a lot in common with such folks. Both men engage in auction politics and they’re not in the minority. Auction politics have been part of Irish election campaigns since before the birth of the Free State, so while that’s regrettable, it’s hardly remarkable. What’s somewhat noteworthy is the sheer force of self-delusion evident in the men’s denials of engaging in such acts.

‘That faggot is engaging in auction politics’ shouts Michael, ‘but if you vote for me, I’ll give you what you want!’

‘Don’t listen to the queer, he’s the one who likes auction politics’ screams Patrick, ‘just vote for me, and I’ll give you everything you’ve always dreamed of’.

‘I do not!’ retorts Michael, ‘I engage in conviction politics…’

The drone goes on, but nothing changes. They’re both guilty of the same crime. Call it auction or conviction politics if you want boys, I call it electioneering. Whatever excuses you pull out of your derrieres, they’ll only ever sounds as convincing as the convict‘s ‘I didn‘t take it’ excuse.

Of course, there’s a very good reason that Michael and Patrick are the two men cat fighting their way into the election. After all, not only are they both competing for the affection of the general public, they’re also competing for the attention of mafia boss Bertie, the queen bee of the Irish political prison. We can expect more of the same from McDowell in the run up to May. Eventually, he hopes, Bertie will stand up for his bitch, thus reducing the possibility of Bertie burrowing down the Rabbitte hole to around the level of the Betamax making a comeback.

The bottom line is that you really should ignore the flames, because, unless they’re lying through gritted teeth, both men are deluded. Politicians fulfil promises about as often as men bite dogs. When the dust settles and the votes have been counted, the parties will reveal the small print, and chances are, they’ll just have come up with new ways to waste our money. I can promise you, that whatever promises these men make you before an election, when the terms and conditions are revealed, these new wonder-policies won’t look half as appealing.

Wouldn’t it be just a little nicer if we come have a little less heat and a lot more light before an election? We can put hope, and ignore the fools in the meantime.