Going, going…

Where can I start the bidding, lads?

Do I hear lower taxes to opening things up, gentlemen? Anyone? Ah, yes, we have an opening bid of lower taxes from…hang, on – is that you, Mr Rabbitte? Are you serious?

OK then…we have lower taxes to get things going, any advance on that?

Yes, we have Mr McDowell with lower taxes as well, hardly a surprise…

Any advance on that? Yes, Mr Sargeant?

What do you mean; you may or not go in with Fianna Fail? You call that a bid? Sit down until you come up with something decent will you?

Anyone else? Is that Mr Adams’ hand I see raised?

Sorry Gerry, you already bid decommissioning and cooperation with the police force before. Take a seat beside Mr Sargeant there.

Hang on a second folks, can I ask the assembled media to stop banging on about all the different permutations of coalition for crying out loud! I can hardly hear myself think! Thank you.

Ok – we have a very vague bid from Mr Ahern, something to do with protecting the children. A very noble proposition I must admit, but also a very cunning one – hard for the other bidders to undercut without looking like they hate kids!

Well I suppose that leaves Mr Kenny. Care to make an offer? What’s that? Something about a Celtic Christian dope-free nation? Hmmm…I guess that’s all you were left with, wasn’t it?

Is that all the bids? Come on lads, is that all ye have to say for yourselves???

Well, ok then…the Government of the 30th Dáil is going…going…GONE!!!

To (insert your answer here, IF you can make head or tail of it all…)